August 24, 2006

A Long and Rambling Entry on the Private Sector

I’m on a plane now on my way back from a project in Minneapolis.  It’s been a long week, though not the worst we’ve had.  Worked until 8:30 on Monday, 10:30 on Tuesday, 2am on Wednesday, and then was supposed to take the 6:50pm flight home today but because of inclement weather and a turbulent flight attendant who for unknown reasons was wandering the airport, we didn’t take off until 10:50.  I still have some work left to do and it’s going to be a long night. 

I’ve been a consultant for just shy of a year now and I often wonder why I’m here.  I remember senior year when I was suddenly confronted with the frighteningly open-ended question of what to do after graduating.  It was a peculiar experience as I was arriving at my intended destination – the end of college – but for some reason having thought that the next step would have come naturally.  It didn’t. 

I always assumed that I would end up in non-profit work or public service, but as I reflected on the future, the private sector became more and more a serious possibility.  I’d always rejected the private sector and consulting as selling out to “the man” and held myself above such an ignoble profession as making money, but now I wondered whether it was something God was calling me to precisely because of my initial aversion.  The opportunity was also more open right after college than any time afterwards, what with the ease of on-campus recruiting and the multitude of “consulting is right for me” stories (there’s something for everyone!).  And so I threw it out there – I’d apply, be open to the opportunity, and if I was accepted, I would go. 

So here I am, and I’ve learned a lot about the business world in general, working long hours, and making more money than I’ve ever seen before.  I’ve also picked up various skills, such as arriving at a firm answer with no data and made-up assumptions (that’s “a preliminary educated guess subject to change upon further investigation” to you).  But back to the original question . . . what the heck am I doing working 60 hours a week? 

On a side note, I love the various reactions I’m imagining people having to that statement

“60 hours a week!?  That’s crazy talk!  Who would ever work so much?”  –Sadal Kidhu, now working 20 hours a week, and mostly following Manchester United when he’s even in the office

“60 hours a week!?  That’s crazy talk!  I’d kill to have those extra 40 hours not in the office!”  -Most investment banker friends

For more serious reflection, two thoughts, one positive and one negative.   I’m really glad that I’ve been able to absorb the perspective of consulting and some of its more positive ideals.  I appreciate much more now the ideal that no roadblocks are too great to overcome and that all problems have an educated answer.  I’m also impressed by how much raw work we get done, and though I don’t exactly delight in working ridiculous hours, it’s kind of encouraging to see the possibilities of committed exertion (read: compulsory toil).  My passion still lies in policy or non-profit, but I think when I do migrate over, these perspectives will be useful. 

On a perhaps deeper level though, I’ve felt saddened by the deeper ideals of business.  While I’m familiar with social entrepreneurship and the ideals that, for instance, Timberland espouses, I don’t believe that corporations are born with a heart or a conscience.  They may be imbued with one or both, and many are doing a lot of good in the world, but others are coldly marketing their own interests in a way that coincides with helping people, and still others simply do nothing (or even oppose the common good).  Business is self-interested.  It has to be, since that’s what does and should drive capitalism, and it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t engage with that mentality (my shareholders are number 1!), but it just doesn’t resonate with my hope to help other people and the make the world a better place. 

Perhaps this is just more true where I work and other corporations are different, but I see the self-interested nature inherent in business reflected in how we are motivated.  My motivation as estimated by my company is measured in what the company can offer to me (opportunities for advancement, skill development, and the ever compelling bags of moolah that magically appear in my bank account every month).  I’ve been to a fair share of recruiting events, and I’ve never heard someone offer that we should join company X because of the contribution we could make to furthering its noble cause. 

Enter the cynical persona: I guess generally speaking, when we’re honest with ourselves, people aren’t that excited about helping corporations function more efficiently and effectively as an end in itself.  Or, in the case of investment bankers, understanding the best mix of debt and equity and being a part of the mystical and mysterious financial capital market that greases the giant gears of our economy.  Oh these are important functions, but yeah, if we weren’t paid well and offered even better pay in the future, we wouldn’t be here, would we?

So here I am, and I should really get back to work.  No conclusions this time, just thoughts floating in the abyss of my Miller Light and Diet Pepsi clouded mind (ahh, the profligate luxury of first class).  Another time.  

I graduated from college more than a year ago and have been working in consulting for almost a year now. 

Welcome to the real world. 

Sunday, October 30, 2005

It’s been a long time, but hopefully this will be the first of more frequent xangas in the future. 

I feel like I’ve traveled such a long distance since college ended.  I meant to write an entry about Manila, but never got around to it, always daunted by the task of distilling so much emotion and experience into words that would seem so empty compared to the memories that still echo in my mind.  They said at orientation that it would be months after coming back before we would really know how we’ve changed.  I think it will be more than that.

For now, all I’ll write about is what’s been on my mind recently.  It may be obvious that this is true, but I think ideas run the world.  Whether we hold them consciously or unconsciously, the abstract ideas we accept about the practical realities we face is in some ways all that we are.  All that I am is an expression of this conglomeration of ideas that I hold, and as those ideas change, so do I.  And I feel like this is the root of our similarities and differences. 

For instance, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships – romantic relationships to be more precise.  And untangling and understanding the complicated layers of engrained beliefs that we all hold going into a romantic relationship is fascinating to me.  I was reading this summer about how we assume that relating to each other is easy, and somehow there’s a conception that when we “grow up”, we’ll know how to without ever intentionally trying to learn or being taught.  I think that’s more true than we imagine.

And just as I’m about to dive into all this, I’m realizing that I’m pretty tired and want to go to bed.  So I will save a response for another entry, but some interesting questions to pose to anybody who happened to get lost on the web and ended up here:

-What is love?

-What makes a (romantic) relationship work?

-What’s the purpose of marriage? 

I’ve been reading about the history of genocide (Armenian genocide during WWI, the Holocaust during WWII, Cambodian genocide in the 70s, Kurdish genocide in the late 80s, Rwandan and Bosnian genocide in the 90s), and what’s clear is that we are all against genocide in the abstract, but when actual genocide is occurring, we – the collective “we” – fail to act and stop it.  I’d like to think that if I were alive during WWII and knew that the Holocaust was happening, I would’ve done everything in my power to stop it.

Yet genocide is happening again in Darfur and I’ve lived my life unperturbed.  I feel like some people think it’s not a huge deal because “not that many” people have died, but the ironic thing about mass killing is that when the body count gets really high, interventions are much less successful. 

Recently, I’ve felt God stirring in me, and I don’t think I can stand on the sidelines anymore.  Proverbs 24:11-12 says, “Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter.  If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’ does not he who weighs the heart perceive it?  Does not he who guards your life know it?  Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”  So I’m hoping that whatever I can do, I will do, to make sure that Darfur does not end up being recorded alongside all those other genocides.

The Armenian Genocide, 1915

My Utmost for His Highest, March 19

Living a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and knowing the One who is leading. It is literally a life of faith, not of understanding and reason—a life of knowing Him who calls us to go. Faith is rooted in the knowledge of a Person, and one of the biggest traps we fall into is the belief that if we have faith, God will surely lead us to success in the world.

Something that I’ve struggled a lot with this semester is having purpose.  I need direction, I need vision, I need to feel like I’m going somewhere, on some type of journey with a destination.  I believe Agent Smith’s words when he says, “There is no escaping reason, no denying purpose.  Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.  It is purpose that created us.  Purpose that created us.  Purpose that connects us.  Purpose that pulls us.  That guides us.  That drives us.  It is purpose that defines.”  I need that definition.

I feel like in the abstract, conceptual sense I have purpose.  To know God and to serve him who gave his life for me that I might be free.  And yet I have failed at that over and over again, unable to grasp what it means concretely to live a life of faith.  And that’s what I struggle for – a concrete plan of action, something to guide me and drive me.  And sometimes, an invisible God is just not enough. . .

I remember, months ago, at the start of Lent, my purpose was to invest in my relationship with God.  And recently, I’ve been grappling with whether or not I should get involved in Darfur activism.  But as always, I wrestle with the tension between establishing a new set of obligations, and doing something out of freedom and love.  I’ve heard a lot of people talk about how feeling obligated to do something isn’t healthy, and that we are to be “cheerful givers.”  I guess it’s a balance.  On one side, it’s not healthy to always just do what we want and never be obligated to anything.  On the other side, it’s not healthy to always be obligated and to go through life with a clenched heart. 

I wonder though how much of a balance this tension really is.  Stephen Covey, of 7 Habits fame, writes that, “Happiness can be defined, in part at least, as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.”  And isn’t that, in part at least, how we are to view this world and the Kingdom of God?  That our faith is built upon the idea that we are sacrificing what we want now for what we know we will receive eventually?  Jesus said, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matt. 10:39).  And Paul writes, “You are not your own; you were bought at a price” (1 Cor 6:20).  If we follow Jesus on the road that we may not desire to walk at the moment, but know that He desires us to walk, won’t we grow to desire that path and won’t our eyes be opened to the blessings that God will pour on us? 

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)

Comments welcome.